The time when the Oscar nominations are put out for all to see, bitch about, and bet money on.

Personally, I don’t usually watch the Academy Awards, because I don’t generally give a flying fuck about them. It’s rare that I have seen all of the nominated movies before the awards, especially now that I live in a small town that is still showing Star Trek on the one big screen in the one movie theater that we do have.

And by Star Trek, I mean Star Trek, The Motion Picture.

Yeah, we’re a little behind the times here.

Which is fine with me.

Although, I’d personally still prefer that they move up to The Wrath of Khan already, because everybody knows that’s just the superior film.

What?

As I peruse the list of films nominated for Best Picture this year, I see that nothing has changed. I have not seen a single one of the movies on the list. What’s more, is I am in no rush to do so, and may not even watch them when they come on TV in a year or so.

And the ‘MEH’ award goes to all the nominees, in every category, to share amongst themselves.

I’m not even going pretend to care.

Want to know what my version of the Academy Awards for any year in the last twenty or so would look like?

Best Actress: Oprah Winfrey, as herself. That bitch has managed to look like she cares about every single thing she’s ever talked about, and every single person she’s ever talked to, five days a week for decades. And there is no way in hell that she did actually care. No one cares that much. About anything. That’s acting. Give her the award, and be done with it. She’s bloody earned it.

Best Actor: Morgan Freeman. In anything. The man has a Facebook page dedicated to him called, “If I die and go to heaven and Morgan Freeman isn’t god, I’m going to be pissed off.” Give him the award. Not for the movie he’s actually nominated for (because I haven’t seen it, and thus do not care about it) but because he’s Morgan Effing Freeman.  If anyone deserves an Oscar just for being Morgan Freeman, it is Morgan Freeman.

Best Supporting Actor: Kevin Smith, as Silent Bob. Smith has managed to convey more emotion, humour and sarcasm without speaking than most actors will ever express with the best dialogue written by the best writers in the world. When Brad Pitt speaks, do you even listen anymore? Oh, hell no! But when Silent Bob speaks, you know you’re gonna hear some deep, deep shit.  For being the only actor that sounds that good when he shuts the fuck up?  Give him the award, sirs.

Best Supporting Actress: Really? Does anyone care? Can you actually name any of them? So how about we give the award to the actress that we can never name, but who’s in like, everything, and who we all like because she’s never given you a reason not to like her.  Plus?  She’s tiny and adorable.  Give Linda Hunt the award. Yes, I had to look her name up. But take one look at her and you’ll know who she is. She already won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, but no one remembers that. Give her the award, because it’s as big as she is.

Finally, for Best Picture:  I always liked this one…

Come on.

It’s at least as original as the concept behind Avatar.