Archive for March, 2010

I was in the midst of channel surfing for a documentary when I happened to notice that TMZ was on.

Fine.

I was full-out watching TMZ.  What I watch on television is not the topic of this post.  The topic of this post is far more ridiculous – and by that I actually mean worth of ridicule – than my TV watching habits.  The topic of this post is frightening in it’s stupidity; so dense is the topic of this post it shocks me that these two morons are even still on the planet because they should have been sucked into a black hole of vapid a long time ago.

The topic of this post?

Idiots.

The TMZ story that I watched was about how these two fucking idiots have given themselves Indian names, and “are getting more in-tune with our spirituality … and will be known as the name our creator has given us – our true native-AMERICAN names.”

Let’s be clear about this.  They GAVE THEMSELVES these names.  These names were not bestowed upon them in a ceremony rife with spiritual belief and long standing tradition.  It was not a solemn ritual.  Unless you count a drunken skinny dip in the pool where Mr. I’ll-Do-Anything-For-Publicity looked over at his plastic “wife” and realized that he didn’t fucking recognize her and had to call her something because she was looking at him with that blank, my-personality’s-faker-than-my-tits look on her face, a solemn ritual.

White Wolf and Running Bear?

WHITE WOLF AND RUNNING BEAR?!

Here, you two assholes.  Let me bestow upon you the names that you so richly deserve.  I’d light a couple of candles for effect, but I’m afraid that the combined wind whistling through your ears would put them out.

I hereby proclaim you to be:

.

..

Not worth the extra two minutes it would take me to come up with something.

Go fuck yourselves, Speidi.

/rant.

iLove my iTouch.

I probably love it more than I should. I mean, it is just a bunch of wires and plastic and … and whatever else goes into making an iTouch. The relationship I have with my iTouch is solid. We understand each other. I understand that it will give me hours and hours of entertainment and it understands that I will keep it safe and warm.

And will try not to break it.  Emphasis on ‘try’.

But like my past relationships, this one is flawed.  There is something vital missing.

They say that ‘there’s an app for that’.  For the most part, they’re right.  I mean, I have an app that wakes me up in the morning, and one that helps me to sleep at night.  I have all sorts of apps.  I even have the iSamJackson app.  Because I like the thought of carrying Samuel L. Jackson around with me wherever I go.  And yes, I do have the NC-17 version, thanks.

There are two apps that you just can’t get at the iMall, though.  Apps that I think would be very helpful.  Not just to me, but to everyone.  Okay, maybe just to me, but still…  if I need these apps, then I’m sure they’d come in handy to at least a handful of other people, too.

First on the list?  The Save My Laundry app.  I want this app to be able to scan the load of clothes that I am about to wash to tell me if there is a brand new purple sock hidden in the load of whites that I just threw in.  Don’t get me wrong, I like purple.  But when the only pure white bra I own comes out of the wash a shade that I will never be able to wear under a white shirt again?  Well let’s just say I’d rather pay $0.99 for that app than replace the bra.

Next up? The It’s Right Where You Put It app.  I envision this to work quite nicely with the ‘search’ feature.  Only instead of searching within the confines of itself, this would allow my iTouch to search my house for that thing, you know the one, I know I must have around here somewhere.  Or to search my car for the spare change that will allow me not to have to pull out my debit card for that cup of coffee.  Basically, I want this app to take me immediately to the last place I’d look.

Really, that’s all I’m asking for.

There's an app for this. I just don't know why.

I figure if someone can put the time and effort into making the iPoo app, the least they could do is point those geek skills toward something that could save my undies and tell me where I might have lost them.

Doesn’t really seem like that much to ask, does it?

What about you?  What apps would you like to see that aren’t available and probably never will be?

I was on a telephone call today that reminded me that I had to write a blog about email.  I know, I know.  It doesn’t seem as if those things should really tie together, but they do.  They absolutely do.

Believe it or not, there are still some people out there that do not understand the basic concept of email.*  Which is completely ridiculous because email has been around forever.**   Hell, even my great grandma has an email address.***

Anyhow.

In the course of the conversation today, I was asked if I had gotten the emails that this person had sent me.  If you’re like me, you hate this damn question.  It forces me to come up with all sorts of lies.  And I really hate lying.  But I didn’t want to tell this particular person the truth.

This is just not a question you ask people.  There is only one time it’s acceptable to ask this, and that is when it has to do with business, and it’s time sensitive.  But do not, under any circumstances, ask if I got that chain letter you sent me.  Otherwise?  I’m going to have to explain the rules to you.

Rule 1.  Just assume I got your email, and move on. That is the point of email.  You feel satisfied sending something, and I feel satisfied in not telling you that I have an email folder set up for you and people like you.  Your lame-ass jokes, chain letters, power-point presentations of adorable animals and Forward This and Get That emails are sent there as soon as they are received.  The folder is called “Trash”.

Rule 2.  Accept my excuses without interrogation. When I tell you that I just haven’t had time to check my email, or that I just haven’t been near my computer, smile and nod.  Then allow me to gracefully change the subject.  This saves me from ever telling you that I gave you the special email address that I give everyone who only sends me crap emails.  It saves me from having to tell you that I have one real email address which gets immediately forwarded to wherever I am, and one email address that sits dormant for weeks until I go in to empty that folder I was telling you about in Rule 1.

Rule 3.  Never describe the contents of your email to me. Do not call me up, ask me if I got your email, and when I give you my patented excuse, launch into a detailed description of the contents of each and every email that you’ve sent me.  Your descriptions of the LOLcats are no more entertaining to me than the emails would have been.  And if you tell me that Bill Gates is going to send you to Maui because you forwarded his email, I’m probably going to hang up on you.  Let’s talk about reality, shall we?

That’s it.  Three rules.

It will make both our lives so much easier and less irritating if you keep them in mind.

* This is a completely true statement.
** This is also a completely true statement, if you define ‘forever’ in my terms.
*** I do not have a great grandma.  But if I did, she would understand email.  And I also think that my great grandma would have like the coolest, most badass great grandma email address ever.  Something like GrannysANinja@skillzmail.com.  Or WillKnitForCondoms@hellyeah.net.