Since it seems that anyone can do it, I believe that I shall declare myself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR! Yes, the words ‘rock star’ need to be capitalized if I’m planning on becoming a Social Media ROCK STAR! And no, you may not leave off the exclamation point at the end. The exclamation point is what makes it true. And important. Sheesh, don’t you know anything?

From what I can tell, there are really only two qualifications to become a Social Media ROCK STAR!

One, you must declare yourself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR! Well, that’s easy enough. I’m pretty sure I just did that. Or weren’t you paying fucking attention? Just for you, I’ll do it again… I. Am. A. Social. Media. ROCK STAR! Got that?

Two, you must be a complete douchebag. I might not have a lot of douchebag experience, but I learn quickly. I’m sure I can figure it out.

In order to facilitate my whole move to the state of douchbaggery, I shall do the following things:

As of this moment, every single person that follows me shall get an auto-dm explaining to them that I am, in fact, a Social Media ROCK STAR! and that I will help them reach new heights of awesome simply by doing nothing but using my auto-dm powers. I will also send this auto-dm to all my current followers. Just to reinforce my douche-factor.

Secondly, please take note that I will no longer be responding to any @ replies on Twitter. I am far too busy and important to deign to respond to you. One caveat. If you have more than a hundred thousand followers, I will not only respond, but I will re-tweet your ass like money falls out of it. That’s how we Social Media ROCK STARS! roll.

Lastly, my tweets will now become so much more valuable than yours, y’know because of my whole Social Media ROCK STAR! status.  Therefore, I shall be tacking on a ‘please RT’ to each and every motherfucking tweet. That’s right. You need to re-tweet that shit. Because I’m a fucking Social Media ROCK STAR! dammit, and what I say matters.

That aught to do it, I think. I don’t believe I’ve missed anything.

Oh, and for you people out there that will unfollow me because I have declared myself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR!?

Let me just say that I don’t blame you in the least.

I’d fucking unfollow me, too.

/rant.