Posts Tagged ‘asshole’

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

Once upon a time, two best friends and roommates were kind enough to offer a bed to an old friend who happened to be in town. The three of them went out one night and had a drink or ten. At some point in the evening, the old friend started to diss one of the best friends to the other while that friend wasn’t around. Next thing that happened was that the one best friend pulled the other best friend out of the bar, and they returned to their apartment, leaving the old friend in the bar wondering what happened.

Once at their apartment, the one girl started throwing all of the old friend’s clothes off of the balcony and onto the train tracks below. Not knowing why, the girl who had been dissed was confused, but still did her fair share of throwing stuff off the balcony.

Some time later, the whole story came out, and the friend that had been trash-talked hugged her best friend close and smiled.

I don’t think that it will come as much of a shock to anyone to hear that the above tale is a true story. It happened to me and Laurie. What might come as a surprise is that it was not me that started throwing Douchie’s (not her real name, but fitting) clothes off the balcony. It was, in fact, me that was being dissed. And it was Laurie that stood up for me, and it was Laurie that was upset enough at what was said to start tossing Douchie’s bras off the balcony.

Thanks, Laur.
That’s still one of my favourite memories.

Had the situation been reversed, I would have done the same thing.

Don’t diss my friends. It’s not a good idea. I am likely to do things that you won’t enjoy. I’m not saying that I’ll wreck your shit – I’m older and wiser now – but I will not take it lightly. It is likely that I will never speak to you again. It’s is also likely that I will ensure that other people are made aware of what a back-stabbing asshat you are.

I don’t give a shit who it is. You start saying negative things about my friends, and I’m not going to hang around and listen. I don’t care if you are someone I respect and admire. If you say bad things about someone that I love, you aren’t going to be either respected or admired anymore.

If you choose to keep it up and I find out about it, I am very likely to go a little ninja on your ass.
I’ll leave it to your imagination what that means.

Suffice it to say that it would be better for you if you just STFU.

Don’t make me get the throwing stars.
I’m a fucking ninja.  And I’ve been practicing.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

So, yeah. I’m pretty sure that this is supposed to be one of those questions that inspires me to think about all of the wonderful ways that I could change the world if I had the power. And I’m completely capable of writing one of those inspiring posts. Honest, I am.

Just not tonight.

Tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was that if I had the power to change the world, the one thing that I would change is that stupid people need to be in pain – on account of the very fact that they are stupid. Since we can’t just go out and kill them all, then at the very least I think that when stupid is displayed, it should be painful.

Wait…
We really can’t just go out and kill them all, right?

Next time someone asks you how you like the weather in the midst of a raging blizzard? That motherfucker is going to get a cattle prod shoved up his ass on full power. And when that dumbass bitchwhore in front of you at the checkout line decides that she needs to check the last year’s worth of lottery tickets while you’re trying to buy your one fucking item? She gets a muddy boot-fuck straight in her ear.

Also? I want lasers on my car for every cock-smoking prick that cuts in front of me on my roads. Also? I would very much like to have anvils hanging from ropes at strategic locations where stupidity is likely to occur. That way, I could hit the fuckbucket button on my stupidity remote and reduce the stupid person’s head to a crimson stain on the pavement.

If there aren’t enough anvils in the world, pianos would do nicely, too.

Also, parents? If you are too stupid to pay attention to your children while out in public, and they decide to come over to me and start wiping bodily fluids on me like it’s their job? I get to come over and play battering ram with whatever heavy object happens to be close to me. Grocery cart, chair, your spouse… whatever. I’m going to hit you until you bleed stupid.

I don’t think I’m asking for very much here.

I just think that if stupid has to exist, then the rest of us should be able to exercise our right to help alleviate the stress that stupidity causes.

And before you ask?

No, I would not want to completely abolish stupidity, or stupid people.

I mean, really.

Without them, who would I bitch about incessantly?

/rant.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

What would I do with the power of invisibility?

Well, for starters, I’d confuse the hell out of people by posting an invisible blog post.
Why is not the question here, people.
WHY NOT!? is the question.

On top of invisiblogging, I would do the following:

Oh, and if you’re looking for noble pursuits, you’ve probably come to the wrong place.

I would actually PUNCH SLOW WALKING PEOPLE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! That’s right. I would totally do it. Not just slow walking people, but stupid people, too. There would be a lot of head-punching going on. Everyone and anyone that deserved a head punch would finally get one. Because with great power comes great responsibility. Know someone that needs it? I’m your invisible punching girl.

Have you punched a douche today?

I would also randomly whisper things in people’s ear. Inappropriate things. Things like, “Hey… have you ever wondered what it would feel like to do the hokey-pokey naked in the doorway your boss’s office?” It would entertain me to no end to see people’s reactions upon thinking that their own brains had come up with some of the shit that my brain comes up with. It’s not mean. It’s called sharing the love. SHARE IT!

Elevators would be a laugh riot. What could be more fun than grabbing someone’s ass on an elevator and then watching the havoc of everyone trying to figure out who did what to whom? Oh, and you could totally make a game of it with your invisible power having friends, too. If you cause a swearing tantrum? Ten points. A face slap? That’s a cool one hundred, right there.

Oh, the fun I could have with the local authorities. Like obtaining the fastest car I can, speeding like a demon down the highway past a cop, and then having him chase me before pulling over and leaving him to wonder just whom he should be citing for invisible speeding. And yes. By ‘obtain’, I likely mean ‘steal’. Don’t look at me like that. You know you’d do it too. And I swear I’d return it. Y’know, after the cop checked himself into the hospital for a brain scan.

Okay, so maybe these aren’t the nicest and most friendly things that I could do with this particular super-power. But after I have alleviated my frustrations, I’m sure that I could find ways to become a benefit to society with my powers. Honestly, I’m sure I could.

It’s just that these things tend to come to me first.

Because who hasn’t wished for some invisible hand to come from nowhere and bitch-slap a damn fuckbucket fool when he needs it? When you think about it, that might be enough of a benefit to society right there.

Just sayin’.

PS ~ If you can’t see the invisible post, just say the magic word (the magic word is INVISIBLOG!!) and then highlight it.  What, like you wouldn’t have made a post about invisibility invisible? Heh.

The 50-50 Challenge is an idea that Chrissa from A Little Wicked and I came up with. It is based on a list of 50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits, which can be found at Demanding Joy. We were inspired to make it a blog challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do. Be as inspired as we were.