Posts Tagged ‘dogs’

Yeah, it's your tooth brush.

I think anyone that is brave enough to have children deserves a medal. Seriously. It would be difficult enough to have to figure out how not to completely fuck up someone else’s life.

Would you want me responsible for the development of your kids?
Yeah, me neither.

I have dogs instead. They’re my kids. And sure, I still have to put up with a lot of crap, but it doesn’t seem as painful when they can’t actually talk back.

There are times when I look at them and I swear that I can figure out what they would say to me if they could, though. And let me tell you? My dogs have some serious attitude problems.

No, I have no idea where they acquired them.

For example. The other day, I was in the middle of something very important while working on my computer, and I must have stopped paying attention to White Dog for all of five seconds. Because next thing I knew, he was telling me in no uncertain terms that he was going to shit on my foot.

No, really. I’m sure that’s what he was keying up to do. In fact, I do believe that he was in the process of lining his asshole up to maximize the shit shockwave.

Now, I can’t really blame him. Nature does call every now and then, and it’s my duty to make sure that he gets outside. I would just prefer a more subtle approach.

The only good that can result in this aggressive action is that I will have a lovely, furry pair of dog slippers to help keep my feet warm.

That might not count as one of my favourite things “that my kid ever said”, but damn, I’ll bet those would be some fine slippers.

They’d probably be my fave pair.
I think that counts.

The 50-50 Challenge is an idea that Chrissa from A Little Wicked and I came up with. It is based on a list of 50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits, which can be found at Demanding Joy. We were inspired to make it a blog challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do. Be as inspired as we were.

I spend an inordinate amount of time watching my dogs.

I watch them at play, and I watch them at rest.

They’re very interesting to watch, my dogs.  I actually assume that all dogs are interesting to watch, but as I don’t have ‘all dogs’ residing with me, I can only base what I’m about to say on my own two little bundles of furry joy.

I have often said that the more people I encounter, the more I like my dogs.  It may come off as a flippant and smart-assed comment, and I will admit that is part of it.  The thing is though, it’s also a completely true statement.

There are things that dogs do by instinct that we, as humans, do not.

Perhaps that is not entirely correct.

I think it might be more truthful to say that these things that dogs do – and do naturally – are things that we humans have an instinct to do as well, but that we humans are stupid enough to fight against our instincts.

For instance, have you ever seen a dog in a room full of people go immediately to the one that needs the most comfort, and just be with that person?  A dog just knows that someone needs comfort, and so does what it can to provide that.  A dog doesn’t wonder if it should provide support.  A dog doesn’t question it’s motives for providing comfort.  A dog doesn’t wonder what the best way to provide solace is.

All of those questions seem to be solidly in the realm of the human beast.

On the other paw, if a dog needs comfort, they generally aren’t shy about asking for it, either.  The come right up to you, and if you happen to not be paying attention, they will ensure that you are soon.  Puppy want petting?  You’ll find a nose attempting to flip your hand up to his head for a little scratch time.

And yet humans, in general, seem to have a rather large issue with this – both the giving and receiving of the gift of solace in time of need.

Some people side step being supportive of people, and rationalize it to themselves until it not only feels like the right thing to do, it actually seems like the best course of action for all involved.  *cough*bullshit*cough*

And some people would rather suffer alone than take the hand of someone that cares, because they don’t want to depend on anyone, or because they don’t want to seem needy, or perhaps because they are afraid that another person wouldn’t be able to handle the depth of the need.

Makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with them, actually.

Some people desperately need to go to the dogs.

On a personal level, I’ve tried never to refuse to support and comfort people. Sometimes that’s been difficult. I’ve never found it anything but worth it, though.    That was never the part of the equation I had an issue with.

A short time ago, and after some difficult and emotional moments (that were also deeply worth it), I made a conscious decision not to be afraid to show people that I can be far needier at times than I’m comfortable showing.  Not all people.  I probably won’t ever get to that point with all people.  I did, however, make a promise that I won’t do it again with very select people.

It might take a while to get good at it.
But that’s okay.
I have lots of time.

And if I forget?

I’ve got someone to remind me.

Thank you, again, to @TheDrDon for the shop-job on my little posers.

Kids are dumb.

Ok, to be fair, I don’t actually have offspring.

Like that’s going to stop me from voicing my opinion.

I might not have kids, but I do have dogs. And using my dogs as proof, I’m going to explain why kids are dumb. Kids… dogs… what’s the difference. They all cost you money, and all they do is eat, sleep, shit, whine and play.

Go ahead, try to argue with that logic.

Can’t do it, can you?

So.

I have an adult dog, and a kid dog.

This morning, both were sleeping with me on my bed. Until one of them decided to start head-butting me. I’ll give you one fucking guess as to which dog that was.

This is not the way an adult likes to be woken up. An adult prefers to be woken up in adult ways.

Get your sleazy minds out of the gutter, people.

Ok, fine.

Let your minds join mine, in the gutter, where it is now. Whatever.

My point is, when the adult dog wakes me up, he does so by cuddling up against me and perhaps nudging my hand until I come awake gradually. Only a child would repeatedly head-butt you directly in the face while standing on your chest making those fucking noises that only fucking kids can make when they want something.

Because kids are dumb.

So I kicked the little shitbag out of the bedroom and told him to go find my brother and bug him. Because I’m a bitch. And because if my kid brother is living with me rent free, he can get up to play with my kid dog, dammit.

So the adults – me and my old man dog – went back to sleep for a while.

Upon arising, I went in search of coffee.

With my first cup, I sat down on the couch and started to enjoy the delicious taste of my cinnamon spiked java, with my old dog at my side. The adults needed time to wake up. Quiet time to reflect on the fact that we’re alive for at least one more day.

The child?

Immediately commenced chewing on the older dogs ear. Pulling at it and chomping at it and generally causing my poor old man to look at me as if to say, ‘what the fuck is the matter with this ball of fucking fur that he has to do this to me every fucking morning?’

I’m sure the child would have been happy to chew on my ear, too. If he could have reached it.

Because kids are dumb.

Finally the brain-damaged child dog (all kids are brain-damaged in my opinion) jumped off the couch and started playing with a squeaky ice cream cone toy.

See? See? Only kids think ice cream is an appropriate breakfast food. Dumb.

Also? This toy belongs to the adult dog. Kids are always getting into things that don’t belong to them, no matter how many times you tell them they shouldn’t. Oh, the dumb.

With a languid stretch and an attitude that comes with the superiority inherent in being an adult, my old boy jumped off the couch, walked over to the child dog – who was standing there with a stupid kid look on his face – and barked once. The dumb kid dropped the toy, my old one picked it up and jumped back on the couch to enjoy the rest of quiet time with me, and his toy.

Leaving the child to whine a bit before settling in to watch cartoons.

The adults always win.

Because kids are dumb.