Posts Tagged ‘douchebag’

Admittedly, this post has been building for a long time. I had first discussed this issue some months back, when I had the distinct displeasure of shaking hands with a co-worker that I had talked to dozens of times, but had never met in person.

That particular individual wasn’t exactly my favourite person in the world to begin with (read: he was a complete asshat) but after having shaken his hand, I realized that my image of him had taken a nosedive into shit-on-shoe territory.

Why is it so difficult for some guys to shake a woman’s hand properly? I am not just talking out of my ass here. I have, in the course of my life, shaken hands with perhaps thousands of men, and very few of them ever really get it right. They look uncomfortable, they are awkward and their faces scream that they would rather shake hands with the public urinal cake than with a person of the boob-having gender.

Seriously, guys.
It’s not that difficult a task.

I’m going to put it right out there for you, easy-peasy:

If you wouldn’t do it to your dick, don’t to it to a woman’s hand.

It’s really that simple.
For example:

The Death-Grip.
Don’t do this. No woman likes to have her fingers broken and bruised by a brute in a suit. Or by an ogre in overalls, for that matter. You wouldn’t choke the life out of your precious, so please don’t do it to our fingers. While we aren’t nearly as delicate and breakable as some might think (see the next paragraph), we also aren’t expecting to have our fingers put through your hand wringing. If you think we’re impressed by your show of strength, think again. All we will be thinking is that you are a douchebag who has to prove his manliness and superiority by making us cringe. And that is not the first impression of a good guy.

The Wimpy-Wimpy-Wimpy.
In a lot of ways, even worse than the Death Grip. This barely-there meeting of hands will prove not that you are a caring person who would never hurt a fly. It will leave every woman thinking that you do not believe her to be worthy of a real handshake. Worse yet she will feel dismissed, which means that she, in turn, will dismiss you. As a douchebag. I can’t imagine that your manly monster likes it limp. Trust me, we don’t either.

See what I mean?
Like your dicks, dudes.

So what’s the right way? Take matters firmly in hand. Reach out with a smile, grasp firmly and warmly, smile and shake hands. Stop worrying so much and just shake our fucking hand. We will forgive a multitude of lesser sins – sweaty palms, hanging on just a bit too long – if you just take our hands and shake them with the kind of grip that you would grace your gremlin with.

Go forth and heed what you have learned.

Just one final note.

For fuck sake, don’t start stroking our hand.

Because ew.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

After some consternation (I know, right? Consternation.) I was once again asked some questions that brought focus to what I wanted to say.  It is so cool to be understood.  Just sayin’.

For me, the second part of this question has no relevance whatsoever. I might ‘settle’ for a half decent cup of coffee, but in my life, I am not really wired to ‘settle’ for anything that I do not believe in. Come to think of it, I really wouldn’t settle for a sub-par cup of coffee, either. But I had to make my point somehow.

It doesn’t matter what part of my life I am talking about. If I don’t believe in it, I am overcome with lassitude. In other words, my Give-a-Damn button gets busted pretty fucking fast. If I can’t believe in it, I just don’t care much about it. That’s the way my rather odd brain is hard-wired. Ain’t no sense in trying to change that now, and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.

With every job I have ever had, I have a need to believe in the company. Hell, even if I don’t completely believe in the company, I have to believe in my management. I have to believe that they have integrity, and that they are working not just for themselves, but for the company as a whole. If that isn’t there, I have a difficult time working up to my full potential. Which sucks, because my full potential is a force to be reckoned with.

When I get involved in a project – a charity, a cause – I have to truly believe in the cause in order for my mind to work effectively. I have to take it into my heart and know that what I am doing is for a greater good. If I can’t do that, then there is no sense in my getting involved.

In my personal relationships, if I don’t believe in you, you will never become one of the people that I call a friend. Once you are my friend, I would kill and die for you. I would back you a thousand percent, and I will do my best never to let you down. I will believe in you until the end of time.

Or until you screw me over. And then, I will believe in you, too.
It’s just that I will forever believe that you are a douchebag asshole.

There is one more thing that I have – rather recently – come to realize.
An epiphany, really.

The people that I hold closest to my heart…
The ones that I would kill for, die for…
The ones that I believe in, with every part of my heart and soul…

They have one thing in common.

They believe in me with just as much fervor.
They’d kill for me, they’d die for me, they will always have my back.

Am I doing what I believe in?
Hells yeah.

That feels good.

But nowhere near as good as being believed in.

That? Full of wow.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

So, yeah. I’m pretty sure that this is supposed to be one of those questions that inspires me to think about all of the wonderful ways that I could change the world if I had the power. And I’m completely capable of writing one of those inspiring posts. Honest, I am.

Just not tonight.

Tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was that if I had the power to change the world, the one thing that I would change is that stupid people need to be in pain – on account of the very fact that they are stupid. Since we can’t just go out and kill them all, then at the very least I think that when stupid is displayed, it should be painful.

Wait…
We really can’t just go out and kill them all, right?

Next time someone asks you how you like the weather in the midst of a raging blizzard? That motherfucker is going to get a cattle prod shoved up his ass on full power. And when that dumbass bitchwhore in front of you at the checkout line decides that she needs to check the last year’s worth of lottery tickets while you’re trying to buy your one fucking item? She gets a muddy boot-fuck straight in her ear.

Also? I want lasers on my car for every cock-smoking prick that cuts in front of me on my roads. Also? I would very much like to have anvils hanging from ropes at strategic locations where stupidity is likely to occur. That way, I could hit the fuckbucket button on my stupidity remote and reduce the stupid person’s head to a crimson stain on the pavement.

If there aren’t enough anvils in the world, pianos would do nicely, too.

Also, parents? If you are too stupid to pay attention to your children while out in public, and they decide to come over to me and start wiping bodily fluids on me like it’s their job? I get to come over and play battering ram with whatever heavy object happens to be close to me. Grocery cart, chair, your spouse… whatever. I’m going to hit you until you bleed stupid.

I don’t think I’m asking for very much here.

I just think that if stupid has to exist, then the rest of us should be able to exercise our right to help alleviate the stress that stupidity causes.

And before you ask?

No, I would not want to completely abolish stupidity, or stupid people.

I mean, really.

Without them, who would I bitch about incessantly?

/rant.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.