Posts Tagged ‘dumb’

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

So, yeah. I’m pretty sure that this is supposed to be one of those questions that inspires me to think about all of the wonderful ways that I could change the world if I had the power. And I’m completely capable of writing one of those inspiring posts. Honest, I am.

Just not tonight.

Tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was that if I had the power to change the world, the one thing that I would change is that stupid people need to be in pain – on account of the very fact that they are stupid. Since we can’t just go out and kill them all, then at the very least I think that when stupid is displayed, it should be painful.

Wait…
We really can’t just go out and kill them all, right?

Next time someone asks you how you like the weather in the midst of a raging blizzard? That motherfucker is going to get a cattle prod shoved up his ass on full power. And when that dumbass bitchwhore in front of you at the checkout line decides that she needs to check the last year’s worth of lottery tickets while you’re trying to buy your one fucking item? She gets a muddy boot-fuck straight in her ear.

Also? I want lasers on my car for every cock-smoking prick that cuts in front of me on my roads. Also? I would very much like to have anvils hanging from ropes at strategic locations where stupidity is likely to occur. That way, I could hit the fuckbucket button on my stupidity remote and reduce the stupid person’s head to a crimson stain on the pavement.

If there aren’t enough anvils in the world, pianos would do nicely, too.

Also, parents? If you are too stupid to pay attention to your children while out in public, and they decide to come over to me and start wiping bodily fluids on me like it’s their job? I get to come over and play battering ram with whatever heavy object happens to be close to me. Grocery cart, chair, your spouse… whatever. I’m going to hit you until you bleed stupid.

I don’t think I’m asking for very much here.

I just think that if stupid has to exist, then the rest of us should be able to exercise our right to help alleviate the stress that stupidity causes.

And before you ask?

No, I would not want to completely abolish stupidity, or stupid people.

I mean, really.

Without them, who would I bitch about incessantly?

/rant.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

Laughter is an orgasm triggered by the intercourse of sense and nonsense.

~Author Unknown

I love to laugh!
HA HA HA HA!

(Points if you know which movie that is from. Queue theme from Jeopardy now.)

Now that the quiz portion of the post is over with, I can say that I really do love to laugh. And when something makes me laugh so hard that I actually have tears streaming down my face, chances are good that I’m going to remember it. Funnily enough, this has happened to me more than once.

The Ass Comment.
The first thing that comes to my mind is one of my favourite memories of my best friend. I don’t remember the exact details, but for some reason, I was driving with Laurie and my brother. I believe that we were dropping off my brother back to my parents house for whatever reason. My brother is very hard person to make laugh. He makes everyone else laugh, but to get him to laugh out loud… kind of difficult. Well, Brother J went to get out of the car and it was slippery. We told him to be careful. He replied that he would be, because he didn’t want to fall and break his ass.

My best friend – who has a great sense of humour, no matter what she thinks – said, without missing a beat, “Yeah, you’ve already got a crack in it.” My brother fucking near fell over laughing. I had tears streaming down my face. And it ranks as one of Laurie’s all time proudest moments that she made my brother laugh until he cried.

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.  ~Victor Borge

You never call, you never write.
Laurie and I, driving to Hell. Music is playing. For some reason, the subject of Neil Daimond comes up. Maybe it was because one of his songs started playing, I really have no idea. But, anyhow… Laurie takes a quiet moment of contemplation, and then says to me, “I wonder where Neil is these days. I hardly ever hear from him any more.” I almost drove the car off the road I was laughing so hard. Laurie? She just looked confused. So I said, “Really? You mean he hasn’t called you in a while? Or did he just stop writing?” She soon joined in the laughter. And to this day, we still laugh about it. Because if you can’t laugh at your friends, who can you laugh at?

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.  ~e.e. cummings

Teamwork.
One day at work, my co-worker and I were enjoying a quiet cup of 6am coffee when our boss came into the office. Our boss was kind of a moody guy. By ‘moody’, I mean that he was fond of flying off the handle for no particular reason. Or should I say for good reason, but misdirected. So, there we were, getting in shit for something that a) we were not responsible for, b) could not change and c) was something that had pissed him off before he ever saw us.

So, we sat there and got ranted on for about ten full minutes before our boss finally just turned and stormed out of the office.

It was at this point that my coworker, a very calm individual, stood up and walked to the door. As our boss was driving away, my co-worker stood at the door and screamed “GO TEAM!!!” and pumped his arm like he’d just won the Superbowl.

It’s a good thing I was already sitting down, because I couldn’t stand up for about ten minutes. And until the day I left, we started each morning by greeting each other not with a ‘good morning’, but with a fist pump and a very sarcastic “GO TEAM!!”

The 50-50 Challenge is an idea that Chrissa from A Little Wicked and I came up with. It is based on a list of 50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits, which can be found at Demanding Joy. We were inspired to make it a blog challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do. Be as inspired as we were.

Thank you again, Sylak

I’m no jeenyus.

Wait.  Let me start that again…

I’m no genius.

I am a relatively educated person though, and most of the time I’m perfectly content with the level at which my brain functions.  Except for mornings, because without the addition of coffee, brain me function well no.  But post coffee, I’m usually kind of smart.  I have moments where I’m seriously impressed with myself, too.

For instance, I managed to hook my laptop up to my big screen TV over the course of the last seven days, without asking for too much help.  You know, once I established that it was, in fact, possible to do that.  And let me tell you, it’s been great.  There’s nothing like internet porn broadcast on a big screen TV.  Wait.  I mean… oh, forget it.

Outside of that, though, this week has been pretty full of various items that I deal with on a regular basis being far smarter than me.  Things that aren’t supposed to be smarter than me, because they are things.

Things without brains.
Things that are inanimate, unless I animate them.

Things like a new vacuum cleaner, which took me forever to put together.  My old vacuum gave up the suck last week, so over the weekend, I had to buy a new one.  Well, I suppose I didn’t have to, but I prefer to walk on floors that aren’t covered in dog hair and space dust.  So, I bought a new vacuum cleaner.

Then I read the instructions fully and set to work putting it together.

For over an hour and a half.

It’s not like this was a fancy ass vacuum cleaner, either.  It’s not like it was made in space by rocket scientists from another dimension.  It’s a fucking vacuum cleaner.  Turn it on here, it’s supposed to suck there.  But just like a woman, it’s all about getting things just fucking right so that the sucking can happen.

Yeah, I said it.

Anyhow, I finally got the thing working.  And it sucks.  It sucks really well, so I suppose it was worth it.  But next time I’m buying the display model just so that I don’t have to put it together.  Stupid vacuum cleaner being smarter than me…

The other thing that’s been smarter than me this week?

My cell phone.

First off, it blinks whenever I have a message of some kind.  So when it blinks, I check.  Blink, check.  Easy, right?  Nuh-uh.  It was blinking the other day, so I checked.  And checked.  And checked again, because the damn thing wouldn’t stop blinking.  I went through every possible scenario in my head, all to no avail.  Then I realized that it wasn’t blinking red, it was blinking yellow.

Clearly, this colour distinction was important.
I just didn’t know what it meant.

Until the fucking phone turned itself off because it’s owner was too stupid to realize that blinking yellow means that the phone is about to DIE, and that in order to stop the blinking all it’s owner has to do is plug it in. Apparently the wrong thing to do in a situation like that is check the phone repeatedly to find out why it’s blinking, opening practically every program on it and thereby making it die even faster.

I revived it.  Then the blinking went away.  Stupid smart phone being smarter than me…

I got it back though.

I have this habit of hitting whatever button it is that makes the voice command thing activate by accident.  I do this at least twice a day, and have done since I got the phone.  It always says the same thing.

“Say a command!”

So, this morning, I programmed in my first voice command.

Now, whenever I tell the phone to Fuck Off, the voice command shuts off.

That’ll learn it.

Stupid, eh? Yeah, I'm stupid... Stupid like a fox!