Posts Tagged ‘fail’

First off, my apologies for not having blogged for the last couple of days. It’s just that I was pretty damn sick. I didn’t feel much like being conscious, let alone trying to write. It so wasn’t happening. But I have to say, that it did give me the chance to become very familiar with what the inside of my eyelids look like.

Totally hot.
In case you were wondering.

Anyways. Onto the blog…

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Allow me to put my instructor’s hat on for a few minutes, will you? I mean that seriously. I used to ask this question all the time. It just wasn’t while in my blogger mode. It was while I was standing in front of a room full of people, teaching a management course.

Let me let you in on the secret.
This? Is a trick question.
Neither option is the ‘correct’ one.

Most people would think that the only way to answer this question is by saying, “I do the right things!”
Yeah, that’s not the right answer, skippy.

Take a moment to consider the following statement:

There are only four ways to do anything.

(It was at this point I let everyone bitch and moan about how wrong I am for the next few minutes. I used to hear things like, ‘She’s crazy…’ or ‘She has no idea what she’s talking about…’ or ‘Man, she’s got great tits…’

Look! It's a picture of a cat with four ears. Proving my theory that anything you search on Google will return at least one picture of a cat.

The thing is, I stand by my statement.

There are only four ways to do anything.

Let me break it down for you. There are only two things you can do. You can do the right thing, or you can do the wrong thing. There are only two outcomes. You do it right, or you do it wrong. You combine those two statements, and you come up with only four ways to accomplish any task.

One. You can do the WRONG THING WRONG. Clearly, this is not the best option. This is the route most often taken by asshats, douchebags and fuckbuckets the world over. People who do the wrong thing wrong are people that get fired a lot. They get sworn at in the grocery store. And I’m betting they get the finger while driving an awful lot, too.

Two. You can do the RIGHT THING WRONG. Not really all that much better than option one. If you would like examples of these types of *ahem* accomplishments, I would direct you to a website called There, I Fixed It. I can’t explain the concept of doing the right thing wrong any better than that. Seriously.

Three. You can do the WRONG THING RIGHT. Only slightly better than option two. People who fall into this category are likely to realize they have a sliver in their finger, so they have their arm surgically removed. Sure, they did something that ultimately fixed the issue. It’s just that you wonder if they really thought it through before acting. My guess would be no.

And finally, you can do the RIGHT THING RIGHT. This? This is the real right answer. This is the place that we should all be trying to get to. This is success. Doing the right thing, and doing it right. People in this category might write educational, yet snarky blog posts about how everyone should do things. It kind of makes you want to punch them a little bit.

Okay, okay.
I’m taking off the teacher’s hat now.

In all seriousness, though… that lesson up there is the truth. And it’s something that I keep in mind with any decision, or life choice that I make.

Doing the right thing is hard, eh?

These concepts are not mine. They are from a course that I used to teach and are the brain-child of George H. Labovitz, Ph.D, and the team at ODi. The Quality Advantage is a tremendous management course, and should you ever get the opportunity to take part, I highly recommend that you do so.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

So, yeah. I’m pretty sure that this is supposed to be one of those questions that inspires me to think about all of the wonderful ways that I could change the world if I had the power. And I’m completely capable of writing one of those inspiring posts. Honest, I am.

Just not tonight.

Tonight, the first thing that came to my mind was that if I had the power to change the world, the one thing that I would change is that stupid people need to be in pain – on account of the very fact that they are stupid. Since we can’t just go out and kill them all, then at the very least I think that when stupid is displayed, it should be painful.

Wait…
We really can’t just go out and kill them all, right?

Next time someone asks you how you like the weather in the midst of a raging blizzard? That motherfucker is going to get a cattle prod shoved up his ass on full power. And when that dumbass bitchwhore in front of you at the checkout line decides that she needs to check the last year’s worth of lottery tickets while you’re trying to buy your one fucking item? She gets a muddy boot-fuck straight in her ear.

Also? I want lasers on my car for every cock-smoking prick that cuts in front of me on my roads. Also? I would very much like to have anvils hanging from ropes at strategic locations where stupidity is likely to occur. That way, I could hit the fuckbucket button on my stupidity remote and reduce the stupid person’s head to a crimson stain on the pavement.

If there aren’t enough anvils in the world, pianos would do nicely, too.

Also, parents? If you are too stupid to pay attention to your children while out in public, and they decide to come over to me and start wiping bodily fluids on me like it’s their job? I get to come over and play battering ram with whatever heavy object happens to be close to me. Grocery cart, chair, your spouse… whatever. I’m going to hit you until you bleed stupid.

I don’t think I’m asking for very much here.

I just think that if stupid has to exist, then the rest of us should be able to exercise our right to help alleviate the stress that stupidity causes.

And before you ask?

No, I would not want to completely abolish stupidity, or stupid people.

I mean, really.

Without them, who would I bitch about incessantly?

/rant.

The current challenge is brought to you by myself, and the ever delightful Chrissa over yonder at A Little Wicked. The Challenge questions are pilfered from Marc and Angel Hack Life, and their stellar list of 50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind. We hope you enjoy the posts, and if you’d like to take part, the questions are yours to answer.

What would I do with the power of invisibility?

Well, for starters, I’d confuse the hell out of people by posting an invisible blog post.
Why is not the question here, people.
WHY NOT!? is the question.

On top of invisiblogging, I would do the following:

Oh, and if you’re looking for noble pursuits, you’ve probably come to the wrong place.

I would actually PUNCH SLOW WALKING PEOPLE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! That’s right. I would totally do it. Not just slow walking people, but stupid people, too. There would be a lot of head-punching going on. Everyone and anyone that deserved a head punch would finally get one. Because with great power comes great responsibility. Know someone that needs it? I’m your invisible punching girl.

Have you punched a douche today?

I would also randomly whisper things in people’s ear. Inappropriate things. Things like, “Hey… have you ever wondered what it would feel like to do the hokey-pokey naked in the doorway your boss’s office?” It would entertain me to no end to see people’s reactions upon thinking that their own brains had come up with some of the shit that my brain comes up with. It’s not mean. It’s called sharing the love. SHARE IT!

Elevators would be a laugh riot. What could be more fun than grabbing someone’s ass on an elevator and then watching the havoc of everyone trying to figure out who did what to whom? Oh, and you could totally make a game of it with your invisible power having friends, too. If you cause a swearing tantrum? Ten points. A face slap? That’s a cool one hundred, right there.

Oh, the fun I could have with the local authorities. Like obtaining the fastest car I can, speeding like a demon down the highway past a cop, and then having him chase me before pulling over and leaving him to wonder just whom he should be citing for invisible speeding. And yes. By ‘obtain’, I likely mean ‘steal’. Don’t look at me like that. You know you’d do it too. And I swear I’d return it. Y’know, after the cop checked himself into the hospital for a brain scan.

Okay, so maybe these aren’t the nicest and most friendly things that I could do with this particular super-power. But after I have alleviated my frustrations, I’m sure that I could find ways to become a benefit to society with my powers. Honestly, I’m sure I could.

It’s just that these things tend to come to me first.

Because who hasn’t wished for some invisible hand to come from nowhere and bitch-slap a damn fuckbucket fool when he needs it? When you think about it, that might be enough of a benefit to society right there.

Just sayin’.

PS ~ If you can’t see the invisible post, just say the magic word (the magic word is INVISIBLOG!!) and then highlight it.  What, like you wouldn’t have made a post about invisibility invisible? Heh.

The 50-50 Challenge is an idea that Chrissa from A Little Wicked and I came up with. It is based on a list of 50 Lists to Write to Lift Your Spirits, which can be found at Demanding Joy. We were inspired to make it a blog challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do. Be as inspired as we were.