Posts Tagged ‘suck’

Since it seems that anyone can do it, I believe that I shall declare myself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR! Yes, the words ‘rock star’ need to be capitalized if I’m planning on becoming a Social Media ROCK STAR! And no, you may not leave off the exclamation point at the end. The exclamation point is what makes it true. And important. Sheesh, don’t you know anything?

From what I can tell, there are really only two qualifications to become a Social Media ROCK STAR!

One, you must declare yourself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR! Well, that’s easy enough. I’m pretty sure I just did that. Or weren’t you paying fucking attention? Just for you, I’ll do it again… I. Am. A. Social. Media. ROCK STAR! Got that?

Two, you must be a complete douchebag. I might not have a lot of douchebag experience, but I learn quickly. I’m sure I can figure it out.

In order to facilitate my whole move to the state of douchbaggery, I shall do the following things:

As of this moment, every single person that follows me shall get an auto-dm explaining to them that I am, in fact, a Social Media ROCK STAR! and that I will help them reach new heights of awesome simply by doing nothing but using my auto-dm powers. I will also send this auto-dm to all my current followers. Just to reinforce my douche-factor.

Secondly, please take note that I will no longer be responding to any @ replies on Twitter. I am far too busy and important to deign to respond to you. One caveat. If you have more than a hundred thousand followers, I will not only respond, but I will re-tweet your ass like money falls out of it. That’s how we Social Media ROCK STARS! roll.

Lastly, my tweets will now become so much more valuable than yours, y’know because of my whole Social Media ROCK STAR! status.  Therefore, I shall be tacking on a ‘please RT’ to each and every motherfucking tweet. That’s right. You need to re-tweet that shit. Because I’m a fucking Social Media ROCK STAR! dammit, and what I say matters.

That aught to do it, I think. I don’t believe I’ve missed anything.

Oh, and for you people out there that will unfollow me because I have declared myself to be a Social Media ROCK STAR!?

Let me just say that I don’t blame you in the least.

I’d fucking unfollow me, too.

/rant.

Dear Monday;

For all sorts of reasons, you suck.

I know it’s not really your fault that you fall after a weekend and that for all the employed people that means having to return to work after a couple of days of frivolity.  But even after becoming unemployed, I find that you still, in point of fact, suck.

Don’t look at me with that pouty face.
You know you suck.

You have nothing going for you.

The weekend has the fun all wrapped up.  Wednesday is Hump Day, and really, it’s not like you’re going to beat that.  Thursday even has it’s charm because it’s almost Friday.  And we all know that Friday is great because it’s the last day before the weekend.

That leaves us with Tuesday.

Tuesday would be about your only real competition in the major suckage Olympics.

I have my own personal reasons for appreciating Tuesday, but even if you take me out of the equation (which I rarely say, seeing as how this is my blog and all) Tuesday still doesn’t suck.  For one reason, and one reason only.

It’s not Monday.

I know, that seems harsh.
But seriously, Monday.

You couldn’t suck any harder if you were an anteater with  a sinus infection.

You’ll get no love from me.

~Lori

Image Source

So.

Once again, I am plagued with writer’s cock….er, I mean block.

And once again, I sent out a call for help on Twitter for suggestions on what to write about. Almost no one replied. Which seems like a bad thing, right? Except that it totally gave me the idea for the title of this post.

Because?

People SUCK!

Except for the ones that don’t.

How do you know if you suck? Outside of lock-jaw, I mean?

Allow me to assist you in figuring it out. Please read this helpful guide on how to tell if you do, in fact, SUCK.

Thing the First: If someone asks for help, you are supposed to give them help, dammit! If you don’t give them help, you suck. Unless they are asking you to help them clean the bathrooms in grand central station with your tongue or something, because ew. Or if they’re asking to borrow money, because you know you’ll never see that shit again. Or? If they are asking you to help them move, because that just shouldn’t be allowed. Or? Uh, you know what?

Fuck it.

People who ask for help suck.

Onto Thing the Second: if you actually do decide to grant help to someone, make helpful suggestions. Don’t be like this guy, Trevor from Long Island? And just make some random suggestion that pertains only to him and his painful douchebaggery. Douchebaggery that he prefers to call “awesomeness”. Of course, he was one of the only two people to actually make a suggestion, even if it was a douche-y one. Which I guess is kind of awesome. And he also followed me twice on Twitter today. And? He’s not ugly. And? Uh, you know what?

Fuck it.

People who complain about the help they get suck.

Let’s try Thing the Third: Consider your target when helping someone. Seriously. If someone has a flat tire, you wouldn’t offer to give them your Starbucks Venti Toffee Nut latte, would you? Right! Because that would suck! So when a snarky bitch asks for a blog topic? Don’t be like this guy I know? Andy, from Canada? Who made a warm and squishy suggestion to write a post about how fabulous my friends are? Because… um… wait, my friends are pretty fucking stellar. Uh, you know what?

Fuck it.

People who bitch about their fellow Canadians suck.

So.

I think we’ve all learned something from this post, don’t you?

Clearly?

I suck.

Heh.

* Thank you to both Trevor and Andy for two suggestions that really seemed to work well together.*